Life's a Climb... But the view's great!

Friday, 23 August 2013

I'm Sorry...


Well! I'm back!! And my goodness have I MISSED YOU!!! Life's been pretty difficult lately and I've just not been able to devote myself to EsteemBeautyxo as I would like or as I should. I am so very sorry to have neglected you all, but I promise I am back and excited to rediscover my beloved hobby that honestly brings so much joy to my life.

You're probably wondering where I've been??? There's a bag full of reasons as to  why I've been MIA and I want to take a quick moment to share some of it with you all. But first of all,  I just want to say please don't think I don't love doing EsteemBeautyxo, I absolutely do; but putting yourself out there can be rather intimidating and confronting and when you're not feeling your best it's really hard to take that leap of faith. I haven't had the confidence in the last few months to get on and write or film. I've wanted to, boy have I wanted to, but on the days I feel 'good' about myself the day seems to fly right by, and then the rest of the time I feel a bit 'crappy'.

If you've followed me for a while, particularly my YouTube channel, you will know that over the past 12 months my darling husband has spent a majority of the year away overseas for work. Now, we live in Melbourne but are both originally from Adelaide. Our family is in Adelaide, and whilst I have truly amazing friends in Melbourne, I still get very home sick and having Luke away makes things even harder. We've been married for almost 3 years now (how time flies!), and marriage honestly changes a relationship. He is my family now; and when we are so far apart it feels like half my heart is missing. Even worse than that, I feel off balance and I am just not myself. It's enough of an effort just to get through each day with a smile on my dial. I literally felt as though I was just plodding through. I did all I could do to stay strong and that took all my energy. You may think that's quite pathetic, but long distance relationships are hard enough, trust me I did it for nearly 3 years, but a long distance marriage is even harder. And to make matters worse you have to deal with people's idiotic comments that feel like a knife though your heart. Despite how difficult that time has been, he's home now and we are slowly but surely settling back into our routine and enjoying spending time together again. It's amazing how much better I feel having him by my side and I feel so much more confident with his unwavering support.

I've also had a lot of other changes to deal with recently; it has been a really confronting time. I started a new job, which is fabulous! But with any new job there's a period of adjustment. I've found it quite challenging to settle in and find my feet, but I am finally starting to feel at home. I am working with a gorgeous bunch of girls and without their support, and the support of my amazing uni gals, during Luke's absence I doubt I would have gotten through it all. Unfortunately, whilst Luke was away I also had my first ever block placement in a Primary School. This was an absolutely fantastic experience and it really confirmed for me that I want to be a teacher. Having said that, it was an extremely challenging time. There is so much pressure, so much work and I have never been more exhausted in my life. Teaching 5 days a week, and then planning and then working weekends, so essentially being on the go 24/7 really took it's toll on me. I was really sick after placement and I am only now is my health starting to improve.

And finally, I found it really hard to deal with the negative comments. Not from readers, not from viewers. Sure I had the occasional negative comment, but nothing that upset me greatly. I have struggled with the negative comments and lack of support from friends and family. It's really hard to sit down and write, or sit in front of the camera, when you have loved ones giving you a hard time. Blogging requires you to really put yourself out there and reveal parts of your life; whilst I love sharing my life and thoughts with you all, some people don't understand. It wasn't until the other day that I logged on to my YT for the first time in far too long, and I cried my eyes out when I saw that I had nearly 500 subbies and over 12,000 views. Eventually I thought to myself, 'why am I letting these few people upset me?'. I realised that while they may not be interested in what I have to say, there's 500+ people who are interested. And as horrible as this thought is, I thought 'are there even 50 people who want to listen to you and your negativity?'. I very much doubt it. EsteemBeautyxo is something I LOVE, and life is far too short to not spend every day doing exactly what you love.

Only now do I feel as though I can re-start my blogger life. Some of you may know that I actually started blogging before YouTube, and I am hoping that after a few blog posts I will have it in me to get back behind that camera again. But part of me feels that no one would want to see my face on YT again. I've been gone for so long, I don't deserve the beautiful subbies that I have, let alone their support or understanding. I've been struggling with stress, depression and anxiety lately, perfectly normal because of all the changes that have been happening lately, but I really need to get back to doing something for me; something to take the edge off. Cue EsteemBeautyxo! EBxo is a great hobby for me and something that I love - I think my fears and other people's opinions caused me to forget that for a while. And for that I am truly sorry, I would like to thank Sophie from Born to Buy, Lauren from MadameM00 and Laila from TheLailaa for their support throughout the difficult time. They may not know it but they have been guiding lights for me in recent times and I am drawing on the strength I have found from them to re-start my beloved EBxo.



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